Part 1 – Picking Up on Vibes
For as long as I can remember, my friends have always came to me for relationship advice. From elementary school debating if they should sit next to their crush at lunch, to now with possible marriages in the mix (yikes).
I’m the type of friend that gives my real advice, the “hate to break it to you,” salt-coated (opposite of sugar-coat?), raw stuff- not just the advice they want to hear. And sometimes your friends don’t want to hear it straight up. But when I see problems rising or red flags that my sweet friend can’t see because she’s so blinded by love- it is absolutely necessary to tell it how it is.
How do I even go about responding to this?CLARA
She’s been seeing this guy Mitch for a few weeks and things have been great, but she’s had a few concerns. Well, more like I’ve had concerns that I’ve had to open her eyes about. And I hate to be that annoying girl who butts into their friend’s love lives but see, Clara is kind of a hopeless romantic. So sometimes in relationships, she so in love with the idea of love that she can’t always notice the red flags.
I look at my friend Clara’s messages and she’s right- this kid is giving her absolutely NOTHING to work with.
Mitch: What are your plans this weekend?
Clara: Don’t have anything planned yet, wbu?
Mitch: Might go out with the boys, not sure yet
By Mitch initially asking what her plans were, you’d think that would mean he was going to ask her to hang out, right?
Gamophobia: the fear of commitment.
From the vibes that I’m picking up on- Mitch is definitely a commitment-phobe. Identifying commitment-phobe people is sometimes tricky, though. They don’t always scream “I don’t date” but there are definitely a few red flags that can show their problem with commitment early on. And in the six weeks they’ve been seeing each other, Mitch has shown a boat load. When dealing with people with commitment issues, there are a few important things to remember:
DON’T choose someone who doesn’t choose you
So, Clara and Mitch had made plans to do dinner and a movie last weekend. I get a call from Clara after they had finished dinner saying that Mitch had cut the night short to go hang out with friends and tries to postpone the movie to another night.
When you are really into a person, you make sacrifices just to be with them. If Mitch was really into Clara, he would say ‘fuck my friends’ OR he would invite her to come along too. If he wants to hang out with you, he will be forward and make it known. Because people who have commitment problems don’t want to view dating as “too serious”, they don’t stress over plans or prioritize you like he should be. In this case, it doesn’t seem like Mitch is too concerned that the movie cancellation will screw up his chances with her.
DON’T judge every move they make
When you first start seeing someone and you’re picking up on their vibes early on, you can’t be too quick to rule them out. Although Mitch is showing clear signs of withdrawal from a serious relationship, Clara might still have a lot to learn about him. Maybe he’s just a bad texter? Maybe he’s just not so good with making plans? But at the end of the day, you don’t want to be making excuses for the person. Read the signs that are given.
DO be clear with yourself
Ask yourself “what do I want out of this?” and before you bring up that dreaded “what are we?” conversation, ask yourself if it’s even something worth getting into. Clara needs to decide what things are important to her in a relationship and take all of Mitch’s actions into account. Is his flakiness with following through on plans something that Clara can handle? Since he got away with it once, how much will he push the limits?
Follow up next week when the drama unfolds in Clara and Mitch’s relationship!